There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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