Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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