im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Then you guys just all showered together...?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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