Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
