Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
They took my balls.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
