Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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