frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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