I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
