how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
