totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize