Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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