just come out here and I will go home with you...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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