he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
