she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize