the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
