He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
