this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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