I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
