apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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