I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
