I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
