I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize