So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
