I wish I only lived at night.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
