the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
