Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize