.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
