I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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