Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
