I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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