Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize