I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
