So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
