Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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