somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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