The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
