The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
