Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
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