My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
