i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
