I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
