i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
