At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
