You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
