Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
