when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
