I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize