y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
