let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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