I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
