i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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