I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
