I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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