I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
