why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
