Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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