he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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