Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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