ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
