How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize