my mouth tastes like poor choices
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
