matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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