So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
