i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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